Walking With You - Thankful

Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. Walking With You is a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child who gather together each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.

This month we are focusing on our gratefulness for the gifts we were given and the ways our lives were changed by the lives of our babies. I know that many people are busy, so this can be as simple or in-depth as you wish. I hope you will link your own post with us, sharing ways that you are thankful. I do think that reflecting on gratefulness is very valuable...especially in the throes of grief. Grief is big and consuming. The simplicity of counting our blessings refocuses a grieving heart from the giants of pain, sorrow, and hopelessness to the hope, comfort, peace, and eventually joy that waits for us on the other side of the valley. The comfort that waits for us in the arms of our Savior.

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1. When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
   When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
   Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
   And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
   • Refrain:
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
     
2. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
   Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
   Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
   And you will keep singing as the days go by.
3. When you look at others with their lands and gold,
   Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
   Count your many blessings—wealth can never buy
   Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.
4. So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
   Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
   Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
   Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

~Count Your Blessings, Johnson Oatman Jr, 1897

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I am thankful. As weird as those words taste to me, and probably sound to you, I am. I have been blessed in uncountable ways by my daughter's short life and Homecoming.

I have received comfort. From friends, from acquaintances. From perfect strangers. From God.

I have been richly gifted with new friends. My eyes have been opened to the value of the friends I'd already claimed. The support I've been given has sustained me, and held me upright through this process.

I'm so lucky it happened to me here. In Troy, Ohio. God put us in the perfect place to weather this storm. He surrounded us with caring people in the midst of our despair. He brought me to the one hospital with the one nurse with the ministry of photography and a heart for those tiny, tiny angels. He provided nurses who genuinely hurt for us, and weren't afraid to show it. An OB with a heart. When I look back at everything that happened, I cannot help but praise Him ~ He has well and truly provided.

I'm grateful this happened to me, not to someone I love. I am not strong enough to watch one of my friends go through this. That takes a special person. I'm so fortunate to have a few of those special people in my life. Too many others watch their friends fade away because they don't know how to bridge the gap after a loss like this. My friends are brave. They persevered. I am blessed beyond measure.

I'd been given hope where there had been none. I was resigned to infertility. Now I know it can happen. And, even better, God told me it will happen again.

I'm so thankful for the gift of my daughter. Leila Mae. I love her. Love to say that name. Right now, I have the memories, and when I die, I'll have her companionship. I guess that's a future gift, something to look forward to. A "Now and Later".

I've received the gift of experience. Knowing what this is like. Feeling it for myself. It's given me a depth of compassion I lacked.

And I've been given the opportunity to reach out to others going through this. How great is that!?!?

I Cor 1:3-4

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our troubles,
so that we can comfort those in any trouble
with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

Missing Her

This week has been a stew of unproductive emotions.

Yesterday I cried over Leila. It's an unfamiliar feeling anymore.

I'm so envious of my friend, Melissa. Who had her adorable little boy two days ago.

I wonder why I was chosen for this burden.

Then I thank God I was chosen, instead of one of my friends.

It's better for me to go through the pain than to watch someone I love suffer.

Today a customer asked me if Andrew was my only child.

I said no, I have a little girl who waits for me in heaven.

I told the lady not to be uncomfortable with my answer. I'm okay. But I will never verbally disown my daughter again.

I'm so proud of that little girl! I know she's just like her big brother, and charming the socks off everyone in heaven.

I know she's adored. Because I adored her here, for the 19 weeks and 5 days I had her.

I still sleep with the teddy bear that holds her earthly remains every night.

I even had a Christmas tree ornament made, with her picture on it.

If I live to be 100, there will never be a day that I don't think about that precious face.

Those tiny toes. That sharp chin. Her button nose.

Losing her is the greatest tragedy of my life. She took a piece of my heart with her. I will not be complete until we're together again.

I live for that day.

"Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You,
And we both run into Your arms.

Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream.
It’s far beyond anything I can conceive.
So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl"
~SCC, Heaven is the Face

Today in Pictures

We voted...

And Andrew did my makeup this morning. Clearly, his future as a makeup artist is secure.

Beggar's Night 2009

Beggar's Night 2009...let the candy-collecting commence! Andrew (robot), posing with his friends Amanda (baby), Becca (vampire-girl), Elyssa (punkin), and Juli (a witch far too smiley to do any harm).
Hard to see in this picture, but people really enjoyed Andrew's costume...mostly the plug he's holding, which came out of the back. It got a lot of giggles. From me, too - total cost? $3.49 for spray paint!
Posing with the booty. Andrew would like to personally thank the considerate house who gave him a ColdEze cough drop - their concern for his health and well-being is touching (and thanks, Miss Christine, for being eagle-eyed and catching that before it went down the old gullet!)
And trading time. Andrew pawning off his chocolate for "the good stuff". Yes, my child doesn't like chocolate. One of these days, I'll get around to getting that maternity test....

My Hollywood Moment

Remember that movie, It Could Happen to You? Nicholas Cage as the good cop, Bridget Fonda as the penniless waitress?


All afternoon, Fonda's voice was chiming in my head....

"I just went bankrupt, right before I came to work."

Took me forever to figure out what movie it was.

Anyway. Today, that was my life.

I just went bankrupt, and then went to work.

It sucks. After 5 years of owning our business, to hear the trustee declare us asset-less. "No asset case". After 5 years, we didn't have anything worth liquidating.

Disturbing. Depressing.

My big Hollywood moment. Bridget, I can totally relate.

Mi Vida (not so) Loca

I wish I could think of something to blog about.

Lots going on, nothing notable enough for its own blog post.

The weather finally turned to autumn.

Not that I'm a huge fan or anything. Just sick of the vacillating.

I lost 3.4 lbs in my first week at Weight Watchers. Ho-hum. The last time I did WW, my first week's loss was in the neighborhood of 8 lbs. My body's doing some wonky things right now.

My friend in Arizona is about to have her baby, and it's hard to face it. So me, being the great friend that I am, I haven't been dealing with it.

Still family tensions.

Homeschool's going well. Andrew's enjoying the challenge of first grade curriculum.

Not pregnant.

Had another pizza restaurant open in town this week, causing some stress in Hubs. I jokingly say he's well on his way to his first MI. Ha, ha, (not so) funny.

All our plans for this weekend have been a wash, blame the weather and H1N1.

Reading The Thorn Birds for the eighty-gazillionth time.

I'm attending a Bible Study on Wednesday nights with a few other women, and I can't express how satisfying that it. There's something about women getting together in the Name of the Lord that always turns out amazing.

Making a new angel-baby blanket using Granny Squares. It's definitely experimental, but at the same time fun. And useful, for it's hard to snack while crocheting.

Just the dribs and drabs of my life. Hope yours is more interesting. Or not, depending how you like it.

Columbus Zoo 10/19/09

Loving the flamingos
@ Manatee Cove. I love this picture!

Enthralled....
The leopard watching my child. If you look closely, you may see the drool coming out of his mouth....

Oh, SO hawt!!!

Weight Watchers Again...

I can't believe I'm back. What's this, the fifth time? You'd think I had it down by now.

Until that day the pregnancy test comes back positive, I want to be doing something positive.

Getting my body ready. Into top form - or at least as close as I can get. Ready to nurture life.

Here, just 5 hours into the program, I'm already noticing effects.

Like being tethered to the bathroom.

Drinking 40 gallons of water a day will do that to you.

So many things are the same. But the ones that are different from 2 years ago?

Since when do I have to pay an additional $13 for eTools? Wasn't that included before?

Makes me glad for Hungry Girl. And Dottie's Weight Loss Zone.

1 day down. 70 billion to go....

Remembering....

One for Leila, one for 8/2005 miscarriage, one for 6/2005 suspected miscarriage. Loving you, babies!

Piles

With every new hit, my nerves deaden.

Bankruptcy, foreclosure, Leila,

Family issues, marital issues,

I feel like it all piles on top of me.

Forcing me under.

Anybody got a shovel?

Before I lose all sense of feeling...